From the moment I woke up today I had this sense of conflict inside of me. I have been tackling quite a few things in my life such as:school, relationships, building friendships, awaiting an acceptance letter, and missions for the summer. This has been quite a challenge lately. For anyone(which should be about everyone) that has a time in their life where they feel like their head might explode from so many things happening all at once, well that's basically me now. Somehow through this whole process I have been continually reminded of how sweet life truly is. My life is drastically changed. I once would let these so called "major" aspects of my life define who I am. My worth. Myself. Not anymore. Sure I still struggle with feelings of security, and trusting Christ constantly, but He hasn't forgotten me. He surely hasn't forgotten any of us. Like I have said before, God is not done with us until Christ returns. Hes constantly working in our hearts. It may not be a pretty process, but its a process worth while. As I was running on A&M campus today(which I try to everyday--never works) I was thinking of my life in a nut shell. I use running as a way to think about things in my life. I access situations when I run, I deal with conflict, and even disappointments. By the time I turned this corner to enter into campus tears started to swell up in my eyes. This sense of, "wow I am a mess up," came into my mind. All I have ever done is mess everything up I feel a lot of times. It hurts. Immediately I began to pray. My prayer went along these lines:
"Dear God, I cannot possibly understand all that is going on in my life right now. I keep messing up things in my life that are important to me. I live in this fear of tomorrow. I know when things do not work out in the end it is because you don't want them to, but does it have to hurt this much. God please forgive me. Help me forgive myself. Keep my focus on you. Lift these burdens."
In that moment I looked up at this beautiful sunset that lie ahead of me, and the song "Oh Praise Him" in my head. In moments when we feel doubt in anything God brings so much clarity. Whether you want to believe it or not there is such thing as the devil, and he is looking to devour anyone (1 Peter 5:8). The devil knows our weaknesses. He knows what gets to us, and he knows when to attack. Some days I would love the devil to just attack me. Sounds weird but hear me out. Some days I would love him to attack me cause I know I would win the battle. Its one of those days you feel like you are on a Jesus High, and you feel so close to the Lord that nothing can bring you down. Wouldn't it be great if that's the only time the devil will attack? Well sorry to say this but that almost NEVER happens. I do think that the more in Christ you become the easier it will be to deflect the devils tricks, but for those still trying to grow in their faith that might be a foreign concept. My advice to you, and to even myself a lot is take time with the Lord. Get to know his character, and get to know who HE truly is. Honestly whether that's writing a blog while reading scripture, or if its just having quiet time with Him just do something. Life is never easy but if you have the right tools. It'll be worth it. God is sovereign over all things. Live in that.
On another note I would like to bring up anger. I feel as if anger is such a thief to so many people in this society. I am no where near perfect in this part of my life, which is why I felt so convicted at church when it was brought up. Anger can come in all forms. A lot of times people are angry because they are jealous, feeling a sense of rejection from someone, worried, hurt in someway, or embarrassed. In my own life I have felt a lot of anger inside of me swell up towards others, specially those I am closest to. After a deep examination of myself I have realized it is because I feel this deep rooted rejection from people I truly love. I somehow never felt worthy of their love, or secure in their love they offered me. A lot of times something would be said, or they would do something and immediately I felt mad. If you truly know me as a person I truly am not an angry person. Honestly, out of all my friends I am the most relaxed person out of the bunch. I am not one of those girls that gets super crazy a lot, and usually I am quiet (except I talk loud :) ). It isn't truly until you get to know me that I come out of my shell, but even then I am still not on the crazy spectrum. I'm the type of person who loves to talk. The perfect time for me with loved ones is just sitting in a coffee shop and talking for hours. That's just who I am. So after that being said I really am not angry unless I noticed when I feel rejection. This revelation has left me amazed. When you get to the root of what makes the sin in your life or your troubles in your life then things begin to change. Instead of trying to find my wholeness in others I seek Christ for that, and the anger I feel slowly is being chipped away. When looking up sermons about anger I came across one, and the pastor really shed light on what truly anger does to us. This is what he said,"Guess what? In this world you are going to be hurt. Life isn’t fair.
You are going to suffer pain. You are going to get bumped, bruised,
scratched, scraped and dinged up in this world. How you handle it will
either make you bitter or better. The difference between the two is
“I”. What he says is completely true even so with anger. We can feel lots of emotions throughout our day but in the end how we handle it will either makes us a better person or turn us into something we don't need to be. Job 5:2 says that wrath will kill a foolish man. Isn't that true? In our anger don't we usually do things that are illogical. Have you ever done something in your anger that later on you regret? That is anger for you. It blinds you from the truth, and it blinds you from Christ. Of course there is such thing as righteous anger. Christ was angry when all these people were using the temple as a place to make profit. Whatever it may be in your life, whether its anger, or some type of insecurity rest in Christ. I could not stress enough how important it is to know the one who came to die for YOU. Even if no one has sat down to read this blog, or hundreds do I want you to know God's provision for each one of our lives is so precious. Like the bible says," to live as Christ is to die as gain ( Philippians 1:21)." What is something that's truly pulling you away from whats most important? How can you make that change NOW.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
How infinite and sweet
This love so rescuing
O, how infinitely sweet
This great love that has redeemed
As one we sing
Alleluia
Alleluia
He is Holy
He is Holy (yeah) -- Oh Praise Him- David Crowder Band
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