I decided quite recently to begin to write a blog about my life through this semester at school. I honestly do not expect a lot of viewers. If you do so happen to view this blog my deepest hope is that you will take away something from this. I have decided to be brutally honest, and direct about each part of my day, and the ways in which the Lord teaches me. I am writing this because I want people to see the story God so delicately has written for me. Although, I do not know half of the story yet, but I learn each and everyday. Whether you come on here everyday to see what I post, or only once I want to say God bless you. You are treasured.
I want to start out by saying I am no where near perfection. I hate to admit this but I struggle mostly with what boys think of me. Even if I know deep down God has a man out there for me it hurts me when a boy doesn't find me attractive, or the least bit interesting. My deepest struggle is not feeling "good enough." Each day this last month I have struggled with truly relying on Christ as my sole provider. I know he loves me, and guides me in all things. This does not mean I wont struggle with this. In a way I have always thought I should have it all together. Then every time I would mess up.. which is a lot. I beat myself up. Every time. This honestly is probably why I have never been in a healthy relationship. Every relationship I have been in I have pushed them all away. If I don't push them away they were coming in to try and use me for that "one thing." Its hard being vulnerable to a great man when you never feel you will be worthy enough for them.
Just recently this guy, and I broke up. For his sake(obviously) I will not say his name. If you are reading this then no hard feelings. Anyways, I put my dependence on this guy. I also pushed him around, and made him feel bad a lot. You know why?? I felt like I deserve nothing but bad from him, and felt like he would leave me. I never wanted to let him in truly. Then the more vulnerable I got the more unsettled I became. What if he sees I am not good enough? What if he sees someone else better? What if he finally sees behind the mask I try to hide behind? What if things go so well, and he still doesn't see my best as enough? For those of you reading this. Being with him was from the outside looking in pretty bad. We fought constantly. I mean I began to find things to fight about because towards the end he was drifting away. Instead of having the guts to work it out. I let him go. I stopped trying in a way. I don't think he ever knew. But I knew he was about ready to leave. In a way I let him. I couldn't be the woman for him. I was hiding under so many insecurities, and fear. You cannot possibly live in fear and cherish someone. A part of me wished he would not let me go. A part of me wishes he would walk with me in this. But that is the thing about God. Sometimes He needs to strip away all that we hold so close so he can finally do his magic. Maybe by now you are all judging me. Maybe by now you are all thinking.. " WOW, HE SHOULD HAVE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO." You are probably right. I was selfish to let him stay with me. I was selfish to allow him try so hard, and not meet him halfway when he needed it in the beginning. So when I needed him to meet me halfway maybe he would have. I put all my trust in this guy though. At the time I did give him my best self. I did put all into the relationship as much as I could. It may not have been the best thing ever but that's all I was. My best self wasn't great, but it was me. Honestly, last month when we broke up officially I was so broken. I had no idea what to do with myself, and what I was supposed to do. That's over one guy. JUST ONE.Sense I am being honest in all this. I will show you something I wrote to him not to long ago. At one point I was going to give it to him but I never will:
" I hate the feeling when you are away and I love being in your arms. I don't know the next step but I don't want to go there unless you will be next to me. Because I truly love you. Even through everything I want to share it with you all. I know I will never be able to let you go because I lie awake hurting because you are so far away. I am scared God doesn't have us together in the end. I don't think I could ever give you what you give me. These past two weeks have exhausted me, torn the life out of me, and beat me inside out, and somehow made me OK again. It doesn't matter whether I will be able to look down the aisle and you will be there. My only wish is to at least give this everything I have. I think about all the times I tried to break up with you because I thought it would be easier. The thing is, being with you may take the life out of me. So be it. I will fight until God finally makes something happen that could drive us more apart than together."
You might be thinking to yourself how crazy I sound. Trust me. When you wonder why your friend is still with a guy everyone knows she shouldn't be with then maybe you somewhat understand. Looking at my life, and how God allowed us to be driven more apart, and how he has been by both our sides in this is amazing. I would be lying if I said I am completely fine now. Its a healing process. I was willing to go through ANYTHING to make it work. You cannot possible give someone great love unless you truly love Christ first. I allowed myself to revolve my world around a guy who is no longer here. Needless to say the pain was incredible. The amazing part of all this I am experiencing joy. Every other break up I couldn't seem to get my self back up. But this one I did. I have taken new steps to freedom. I have poured into others about Christ, and I have been poured into continuously. Even though it still hurts. I am experiencing so much of Christ love for me than I have ever before.
I have officially decided to stop living for my flesh. It is so easy to let the devil tell you useless words when you are beaten down. It is so easy to not allow Christ be at the center when your world is falling apart. As for me and this journey. It is just beginning. Whether Christ allows my ex to have a change of heart and he comes back for a happy ending. Whether Christ brings another "prince charming" who will show me love as well. OR if God at some point calls me to a life of singleness I am deciding to live in the freedom of the promises Christ has made. He is my rock. I am showing you my heart and being vulnerable because without any of that you wouldn't know where I have been. What all God is doing, and God's steadfast love in my life. Romans 8:26 is a verse that resonates in my heart when I cannot seem to come to terms with anything. It says," In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." In the moments I have nothing to say because maybe I am feeling less than beautiful, or when I am feeling set apart I still know the Spirit is working. God never sleeps. He never rest. He made us. He built us. We are renewed. He is all we need. Whether I find that guy to walk with me towards the sunset or all I ever have is Christ and nothing else. I will choose Christ.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home- Big Daddy Weave- Redeemed
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