My whole week has been super long, and tiring. For one, I got really sick, and I am just exhausted. I feel ultimately blessed. I feel like in the past two months my faith in God has stretched to limits I had no idea existed. I have been tested with trust, patience, health, and relationships. Through this all God has helped me stand. I cant express enough how important it is to fall into the arms of the Lord. I used to have a set of things I wanted my future husband to have. Things like love sports, like to exercise, be funny, and not be a Yankees fan. All of which I know seem ridiculous. NOW I do not care. All I want is for him to love the Lord with all his mind, strength, and heart. I want a man who diligently seeks the Lord through prayer, through the word, and through complete worship. I want the man who walks in a room showered in God's love, and who extends it to others. I want a leader who knows his love in Christ, and who knows he is made new. I want to serve a man who all he wants to do is make Jesus Christ known no matter the cost. To me Christ is absolutely the only thing that matters. I don't care if I have 5 cents to my name someday or 5 million. I want Jesus. I don't care if I end up having a million friends through my life, or just ten. I want Jesus. I ultimately don't care about having kids someday if that's not Gods plan. I want Jesus. I don't care if I ever get to have a husband. I want Jesus. My heart longs for things above, and it grows at a crazy rate. Sure, I may fail a million times. I have a messy past. Not to mention I have treated people bad in my past, and I struggle deeply with that still. But God has made me new. He keeps no record of wrongs. That is not who I am anymore. I am made new in Christ. HE IS ALL I NEED. Though my flesh may fail, God never will.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Zephaniah 3:17
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
He Has Made Us White as Snow ( Day 7,8,9)
There has been a lot that has happened in the last few days. My friend of forever came for Valentines weekend. It was hard. I cried for a little bit, but soon the tears were turned into joy thankfully. I trust God even more now with my love life, school, and future. Do I want to be in a relationship? Of course. Do I wish I knew how this whole school stuff will turn out? Of course. Do I also wish I knew what my future holds, OF COURSE. Learning to trust the Lord is never easy. I have so much happening all at once that I could easily feel sorry for myself, but I choose not to. I have learned that each thing happens in our life for a reason, and in the end there will be blessings to come from it.
I have learned in the last month how completely odd of a girl I am. I guess that is one reason its been easy to believe the lies of Satan that I will be alone forever. I love comic books, I love watching sports, and even watch ESPN till I fall asleep. I rather go to sports outings on dates, and I much rather wear t shirts on any given day than anything else. I sometimes wonder why I turned out so odd, but I am learning to accept, and love the weird parts of me. They honestly make me who I am. I have been reading a book called," I kissed Dating Goodbye." It has opened my eyes to how great waiting for the right person is and to not sit on your butt while you are single. That when the time is right the Lord will bring that person along. Why should we force the right person to be with us at the wrong time, and hurt what could possibly be amazing. "The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person." You could force the timing to escalate the relationship and legit make that great person for you the wrong one. How crazy is that? I have gotten to the point I rather way 50 years for the right person the rush it with the wrong. It is so selfish of me to want to speed things up so I can feel "better" about myself cause I have someone by my side. The selfless thing is waiting on the Lord, not deciding you know whats best.
Another thing that has come to me is starting to write a book. I have this weird theory I came up with that on average people generally have three "loves" in their life. They have their first love, their great love, and their true love. Their first love is the first person they ever truly felt something for. Their great love is someone they love more than their first, but they learn something from the relationship. They usually take something from the relationship that opens their eyes. Then their true love is the one they end up marrying, the one they grow continually with, and things just work. Sometimes your great love, and true love can be the same person. Sometimes people marry their great love because they are so wrapped up in emotions and don't allow themselves to grow individually so they don't marry their true love. Anyways, this is not always the case. Its just something I have come up myself. Not everyone's walk of life is the same, but that doesn't mean it cant be similar. Anyways, I decided to write a book about the "loves" of my life. I feel two people in my life have truly made me who I am today. That no matter what because of them I got to a certain point, and even if I made so many mistakes with them they have indirectly been a source of joy. They both allowed me to grow, experience things, and I will forever feel blessed to have known them regardless. I only hope someday they can feel that. If they never do, then that's OK. Regardless, I have no idea how I would start this book, but I think I am going to sit down and throw some ideas around and write away.
Lastly, I have an interview for a mission trip to East Asia tomorrow and I really want to go. With being sick, and everything I hope I am able to think straight for everything to go smoothly. I am just praying for more trust in all this, and praying the Lord guides me where I need to go. I am in awe of what God must be doing through all this, and know this will all be turned into good. Thank God for his perfect LOVE. I would be nothing without it.
Be blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.- Jesus Paid it All
I have learned in the last month how completely odd of a girl I am. I guess that is one reason its been easy to believe the lies of Satan that I will be alone forever. I love comic books, I love watching sports, and even watch ESPN till I fall asleep. I rather go to sports outings on dates, and I much rather wear t shirts on any given day than anything else. I sometimes wonder why I turned out so odd, but I am learning to accept, and love the weird parts of me. They honestly make me who I am. I have been reading a book called," I kissed Dating Goodbye." It has opened my eyes to how great waiting for the right person is and to not sit on your butt while you are single. That when the time is right the Lord will bring that person along. Why should we force the right person to be with us at the wrong time, and hurt what could possibly be amazing. "The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person." You could force the timing to escalate the relationship and legit make that great person for you the wrong one. How crazy is that? I have gotten to the point I rather way 50 years for the right person the rush it with the wrong. It is so selfish of me to want to speed things up so I can feel "better" about myself cause I have someone by my side. The selfless thing is waiting on the Lord, not deciding you know whats best.
Another thing that has come to me is starting to write a book. I have this weird theory I came up with that on average people generally have three "loves" in their life. They have their first love, their great love, and their true love. Their first love is the first person they ever truly felt something for. Their great love is someone they love more than their first, but they learn something from the relationship. They usually take something from the relationship that opens their eyes. Then their true love is the one they end up marrying, the one they grow continually with, and things just work. Sometimes your great love, and true love can be the same person. Sometimes people marry their great love because they are so wrapped up in emotions and don't allow themselves to grow individually so they don't marry their true love. Anyways, this is not always the case. Its just something I have come up myself. Not everyone's walk of life is the same, but that doesn't mean it cant be similar. Anyways, I decided to write a book about the "loves" of my life. I feel two people in my life have truly made me who I am today. That no matter what because of them I got to a certain point, and even if I made so many mistakes with them they have indirectly been a source of joy. They both allowed me to grow, experience things, and I will forever feel blessed to have known them regardless. I only hope someday they can feel that. If they never do, then that's OK. Regardless, I have no idea how I would start this book, but I think I am going to sit down and throw some ideas around and write away.
Lastly, I have an interview for a mission trip to East Asia tomorrow and I really want to go. With being sick, and everything I hope I am able to think straight for everything to go smoothly. I am just praying for more trust in all this, and praying the Lord guides me where I need to go. I am in awe of what God must be doing through all this, and know this will all be turned into good. Thank God for his perfect LOVE. I would be nothing without it.
Be blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow
Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.- Jesus Paid it All
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Held ( Day 6)
Honestly, I am very speechless right now. I just spent some much needed alone time with the Lord. I've just had a very rough day. I dealt with hurt, and guilt because I unintentionally hurt someone I still deeply care about even though they are no longer in my life. Well, I made them feel "uncomfortable." Who I am as a person truly does not want to hurt those I love at all. Sometimes I feel that may have been a reason I put the relationships I had on this pedestal. I would never mean to but because of my deep fear for hurting others I would put them first so much, then I would somehow end up pushing them away. I seriously dont know. I am still trying to figure out why I do the things I do honestly. But today was especially hard because I let a lot of fear of the future, and who I am as a person get clouded. I was going to contact the person I hurt, but I ended up stopping myself. I noticed how badly I was affected by hurting this person that I felt like the apology probably wouldn't get accepted, and I feared that I would share my heart, then get rejected. Also I feel like I over think things way too much that I couldn't decide the right way to phrase it all. Which doesn't make much sense considering this person isn't in my life anymore so why should I care? Maybe cause I just do. Its hard for me to stop caring, specially once I care so deeply. That's something I need to work on for sure. Sometimes I never know when to call it quits because I'm too stubborn, and my heart truly gets in the way. All I pray for right now is the Lord's steady hand to guide my steps, and reveal to me many things I need to see. I don't know ANYTHING that's going on in my life right now. Everything is a blur. But I am resting in the assurance that the Lord has greater things, and I will soon be a part of all those things. I am just in need of preparation. I am going to start living for the one who CAME not for the ones who will pass away. I am going to trust the one who died for US. I am only going to worship the creator of all things, and not his creation. You see that? A work in progress. At least it is something. I never said I was perfect did I? NOPE. My goal is to live each day, and whoever God brings into or out of my life I am going to be blessed either way. Whether he brings back people in my life, or never does. I will be forever praising him in ALL things.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Proverbs 16:9
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.-- Held-- Natalie Grant
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Proverbs 16:9
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.-- Held-- Natalie Grant
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Got Faith? ( Day 5)
I named this blog "Got Faith" because of something I read today that really encouraged me in my walk with Christ. Sometimes I feel like even when we least expect discouragement sets in. Today has been a blessing, but I still am learning to walk in Christ the best way I know how. I also baked today, which I LOVE to do! Each day I am trying to find ways I can simply serve others. You learn how to love in a lot of ways by serving those around you, and not expecting anything in return. I am reading a book called, "Kissing Dating Goodbye." I am also reading, "How to Pray for Your Future Husband." They both sound contradicting in a way but they are equally refreshing. One allows you to see dating as a Christian, and the importance it is to love the right way in a relationship prior to marriage. The other is getting your heart ready for your future spouse, and allowing you to pray over his needs. Last night I prayed my Future husband would be trusting in the Lord wherever He is. I had a sense He needed me to pray over Him.I don't know him, but maybe someday I will figure out my prayers worked! Y'all should pick up a copy of any of these books. They allow your heart to be right as you meet the opposite sex. Instead of seeing others as potential spouses you see them as a brother/sister in Christ. I don't look at every guy, and think wow he could be my husband. When I speak to guys I present myself in a way as a loving sister in Christ. I also feel that God will let you know who you will marry. They will feel different being around them, things will be different, and it will be God's way of saying.. HEY, HERE HE IS. That's the same with all of you. Another thing I heard of which I thought was great is this : When you are dating someone they arent yours. You haven't made that covenant yet in marriage. The person you are dating could still possibly be someone else's, likewise who you are meant to be with could also be with someone else. So instead of pouring so much into a relationship you should treat them as if they were someone else's. If you were to break up, and hand whoever to someone else could you shake their hand and say you took care of them? Its crazy to think about, but its true. We are supposed to take care of each other as men and women in Christ. Not harm each other.Well I hope y'all find this below to be encouraging as I found it to be encouraging.
Today’s Truth
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil (Psalm 23:4, NKJV).
Friend to Friend
Today’s Truth
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil (Psalm 23:4, NKJV).
Friend to Friend
The greenest grass is always found in the valley.
Shepherds and sheep are well acquainted with the fact that both
mountains and valleys are an inevitable part of life.
Remember – the shepherd has to figure out a way over the
mountain and through the valley. If a sheep is injured, the shepherd
must carry his sheep and tend to its wounds until they are healed and
the sheep is ready to return to the fold. The shepherd’s whole world
revolves around the safety and comfort of his sheep, even in the deepest
valley.
Valleys are a certainty of life. Your job is eliminated.
Your husband is having an affair, or your teenage daughter is pregnant.
Financial pressure suffocates dreams, or the betrayal of a trusted
friend inflicts a wound so deep and painful that you long for that
valley of death. Each day is thick with fear, and your heart is filled
with disbelief. The valley may suddenly be before you in a time of
loneliness or in the shock of a dire medical diagnosis.
The death of a loved one can derail a life. The death of
a long-held hope can plunge us into a slimy pit of despair and
darkness. Dreams that have slowly died or relationships that have
abruptly ended can leave us stranded and alone in our own personal
valley of death.
While valleys may come in all shapes and sizes, one
thing is certain—valleys will come. That being said, we must ask and
answer the question, “How can we deal with the valleys in life?” We must
respond with faith.
Don’t let that word – faith – frighten you. You have
faith. You walk into a dark room and flip a switch, knowing that the
light will come on. You sit in a chair, knowing it will support your
weight. You buy a ticket and board a plane, trusting that aircraft to
get you to your desired destination. Yes, you have faith. It is just a
matter of where you place that faith that makes all the difference in
the world. When you place your faith in God, a world of possibilities
and impossibilities opens up.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge
Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
It was advertised that the devil was putting his tools
up for sale. When the day of the sale came, each tool was priced and
laid out for public inspection. And what a collection it was. Hatred,
envy, jealousy, deceit or pride…the inventory was treacherous. Off to
one side was a harmless-looking tool priced higher than all the rest,
even though it was obviously more worn than any other tool the devil
owned. “What’s the name of this tool?” asked one of the customers.
“That,” the devil replied, “is discouragement.” The customer asked, “But
why have you priced it so high?” The devil smiled and explained,
“Because discouragement is more useful to me than all the others. I can
pry open and get inside a man’s heart with that tool when I can’t get
near him with any other. It’s badly worn because I use it on almost
everyone, since so few people know it belongs to me.”
Are you discouraged…afraid…desperately trying to find
enough energy to simply breathe? God knows. And He really is your
shepherd. He understands that you may only be able to take one tiny,
almost imperceptible step of faith. But He sees you, and just like a
parent applauding their child’s first stumbling step, God will applaud
will honor your choice to take it.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
We stand and lift up our hands
For the joy of the Lord is our strength
We bow down and worship Him now
How great, how awesome is He- Holy is the Lord-- Chris Tomlin
For the joy of the Lord is our strength
We bow down and worship Him now
How great, how awesome is He- Holy is the Lord-- Chris Tomlin
Monday, February 10, 2014
For The Weary Souls Looking to Find Rest ( Day 4)
"The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out." Proverbs 30:1
Needless to say my life lately has been a whirlwind of struggle. I am honestly just ready for things to start going right. On my way to school early this morning I literally prayed to God asking him, "what the heck are you doing?" I seriously do not understand like many of you probably why sometimes we have to experience so much strife. It hurts. I am going through one of those stages of life where you pray for answers but they are slow coming. Although my day turned around when God gave me a huge sign about me going to East Asia for the summer on a mission trip. To be honest I am freaked. I never thought God would put this on my heart. The more I have struggled recently the more I have realized how much I want to love others more. Sounds weird right? That's me :). But SERIOUSLY the more struggles I have gone through the more I have wanted to pour out my love on others. The more authentic I have become in being honest about where I am as well. I always thought shutting off your emotions to people, and lying about how you are was the best idea ever. In relationships I have always tried the, "please don't get to close to me or it'll freak me out approach." Of course that didn't mean physically, but it was emotionally. I hated the idea of getting close to someone, and then watching them walk away. If you have ever trusted someone so much with your heart then watch them hurt you so bad then you know what I am saying. You all may be wondering to yourself about how intense my post are. My intentions to simply write an encouraging blog everyday and how great life can be is not just what I want this to be about. I am here to show you that through the muck of a life God shines brighter. Simply, If I could write a blog about how great my life is going I would completely love that but that's not where I am. God has me on all sorts of twists and turns and it isn't fun. Although, it may not be fun I can still experience the abounding love Christ offers me. Sometimes in life we feel worn out, and we aren't in a great place. I love where God has me. I love that deep down God has all these plans, and he is putting hard stuff in my life because in the end I will know him so much more. In the end everything will make sense, and in the end his plan will be greater than anything I could have imagined. BUT FOR REAL. I encourage each and every one of you to answer this question. What truly is taking up your thoughts, your life, and all of your time? We can be physically depleted from life, and how it keeps throwing things at us. What we don't have to be is spiritually depleted. I am no where near perfect. I am no where near where I could be. But the awesome thing is I am no where what I was two months ago, or especially a year ago. What we lose in life God will give you so much more. All you have to do is trust him. Whether it be a relationship he decided to take away. God can do two things with that. Redeem you both to a relationship better than you could imagine. Another thing God can do is bring you someone else who is so great for you in more ways than you can imagine. Whatever it may be God will restore it all to even greater lengths than you realize. Check out this verse : "Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24! JUST HAVE FAITH THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.
By the way I apologize my paragraphs are so long. I honestly just have so many thoughts pouring out of my cranium sometimes I just cant stop. Anyways, moving on. I would like to touch on how our society these days is all about self reliance, and not depending on anyone. This is probably more focused on women in the society. Men have always in a way were born to be more self reliant. I mean they are the ones who are supposed to bring home the bacon. But either way we live in a culture that's all about living for yourself, and not really giving your trust to anyone. I learned from a young age not to trust people. Sad I know, but true. I was introduced to lots of bad things when I was younger, and was deeply hurt as a child. From those moments of pure hurt, and betrayal I didn't know how to trust anything. Growing up I have never been truly close to my parents. We have never seen eye to eye, and honestly at one point couldn't talk without arguing. It was tough. I never felt I could go to them and feel safe. I never felt safe. Eventually it brought me to building up this high wall. Although if you ever get to know me at all I am actually fragile. That's the way God created women. We are meant to be fragile, and more in tune with our emotions. Although, there is a certain point it isn't OK to be THAT fragile. That is why putting your heart in Christ above all things is so crucial. It saves you from being tempted to put it in someone else that wont fill you up. Which comes to the point I want to make. It is important to walk closely with someone in your life (proverbs 27:17). They will be the ones to pick you up when you don't even know you' re falling. Its so important for guys as well to have another guy to look out for them. Guys can act so tough all they want but in the end you are still human. No person on earth is Super Human. No man will ever give you it all ladies. But he can give you so much more. If he is the right man he can give you a stronger love for Christ, he can provide you with strong arms to hold you, and a mouth that guides you in the right ways. Men you also need women to help you. DO NOT think you need no one but yourself. A woman is meant to be your help meet. Meant to encourage you, serve you, and build you up to be more of a man in Christ. We are all created for a purpose. Marriage is to make you more holy not happy.
I know I must have been all over the place in this blog. I apologize. My brain is functioning that way right now honestly. ITS NUTS. The point I was trying to make in short is to rely on Christ first but also make sure you have someone in your life you can confide in. It is important to tackle life with others. You should never try and be alone. You could be doing life all wrong and not even know it if you do. Men are not supposed to be strong all the time. Women don't need to have it all together, and they for sure don't need to try and control every aspect of their lives. Basically. Stop. Breathe. Listen.Pray. Christ is calling out to each and every one of you. He needs to fill your deepest needs. He knows your deepest needs. Hes just waiting for you to actually speak to him.
Ps: If yall need prayer. LET ME KNOW (:
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Some days I lose my place
I am weary, O God, and worn out." Proverbs 30:1
Needless to say my life lately has been a whirlwind of struggle. I am honestly just ready for things to start going right. On my way to school early this morning I literally prayed to God asking him, "what the heck are you doing?" I seriously do not understand like many of you probably why sometimes we have to experience so much strife. It hurts. I am going through one of those stages of life where you pray for answers but they are slow coming. Although my day turned around when God gave me a huge sign about me going to East Asia for the summer on a mission trip. To be honest I am freaked. I never thought God would put this on my heart. The more I have struggled recently the more I have realized how much I want to love others more. Sounds weird right? That's me :). But SERIOUSLY the more struggles I have gone through the more I have wanted to pour out my love on others. The more authentic I have become in being honest about where I am as well. I always thought shutting off your emotions to people, and lying about how you are was the best idea ever. In relationships I have always tried the, "please don't get to close to me or it'll freak me out approach." Of course that didn't mean physically, but it was emotionally. I hated the idea of getting close to someone, and then watching them walk away. If you have ever trusted someone so much with your heart then watch them hurt you so bad then you know what I am saying. You all may be wondering to yourself about how intense my post are. My intentions to simply write an encouraging blog everyday and how great life can be is not just what I want this to be about. I am here to show you that through the muck of a life God shines brighter. Simply, If I could write a blog about how great my life is going I would completely love that but that's not where I am. God has me on all sorts of twists and turns and it isn't fun. Although, it may not be fun I can still experience the abounding love Christ offers me. Sometimes in life we feel worn out, and we aren't in a great place. I love where God has me. I love that deep down God has all these plans, and he is putting hard stuff in my life because in the end I will know him so much more. In the end everything will make sense, and in the end his plan will be greater than anything I could have imagined. BUT FOR REAL. I encourage each and every one of you to answer this question. What truly is taking up your thoughts, your life, and all of your time? We can be physically depleted from life, and how it keeps throwing things at us. What we don't have to be is spiritually depleted. I am no where near perfect. I am no where near where I could be. But the awesome thing is I am no where what I was two months ago, or especially a year ago. What we lose in life God will give you so much more. All you have to do is trust him. Whether it be a relationship he decided to take away. God can do two things with that. Redeem you both to a relationship better than you could imagine. Another thing God can do is bring you someone else who is so great for you in more ways than you can imagine. Whatever it may be God will restore it all to even greater lengths than you realize. Check out this verse : "Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24! JUST HAVE FAITH THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.
By the way I apologize my paragraphs are so long. I honestly just have so many thoughts pouring out of my cranium sometimes I just cant stop. Anyways, moving on. I would like to touch on how our society these days is all about self reliance, and not depending on anyone. This is probably more focused on women in the society. Men have always in a way were born to be more self reliant. I mean they are the ones who are supposed to bring home the bacon. But either way we live in a culture that's all about living for yourself, and not really giving your trust to anyone. I learned from a young age not to trust people. Sad I know, but true. I was introduced to lots of bad things when I was younger, and was deeply hurt as a child. From those moments of pure hurt, and betrayal I didn't know how to trust anything. Growing up I have never been truly close to my parents. We have never seen eye to eye, and honestly at one point couldn't talk without arguing. It was tough. I never felt I could go to them and feel safe. I never felt safe. Eventually it brought me to building up this high wall. Although if you ever get to know me at all I am actually fragile. That's the way God created women. We are meant to be fragile, and more in tune with our emotions. Although, there is a certain point it isn't OK to be THAT fragile. That is why putting your heart in Christ above all things is so crucial. It saves you from being tempted to put it in someone else that wont fill you up. Which comes to the point I want to make. It is important to walk closely with someone in your life (proverbs 27:17). They will be the ones to pick you up when you don't even know you' re falling. Its so important for guys as well to have another guy to look out for them. Guys can act so tough all they want but in the end you are still human. No person on earth is Super Human. No man will ever give you it all ladies. But he can give you so much more. If he is the right man he can give you a stronger love for Christ, he can provide you with strong arms to hold you, and a mouth that guides you in the right ways. Men you also need women to help you. DO NOT think you need no one but yourself. A woman is meant to be your help meet. Meant to encourage you, serve you, and build you up to be more of a man in Christ. We are all created for a purpose. Marriage is to make you more holy not happy.
I know I must have been all over the place in this blog. I apologize. My brain is functioning that way right now honestly. ITS NUTS. The point I was trying to make in short is to rely on Christ first but also make sure you have someone in your life you can confide in. It is important to tackle life with others. You should never try and be alone. You could be doing life all wrong and not even know it if you do. Men are not supposed to be strong all the time. Women don't need to have it all together, and they for sure don't need to try and control every aspect of their lives. Basically. Stop. Breathe. Listen.Pray. Christ is calling out to each and every one of you. He needs to fill your deepest needs. He knows your deepest needs. Hes just waiting for you to actually speak to him.
Ps: If yall need prayer. LET ME KNOW (:
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Jeremiah 17:5-9 Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Some days I lose my place
It's a fight to keep my faith
But You are with me, I am not alone, no
But all around my world gives way
Toss like an ocean wave
You are my rock and the storm clouds blow
I look up and all I see is Your love holding me
When I feel like giving up
When my heart is hurt too much
Feels like I've reached the end
No, I won't turn and run
This battle will be won
When I've done all I can
I stand stand stand
I stand stand stand- Britt Nicole--Stand
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Oh Praise Him (Day 3)
From the moment I woke up today I had this sense of conflict inside of me. I have been tackling quite a few things in my life such as:school, relationships, building friendships, awaiting an acceptance letter, and missions for the summer. This has been quite a challenge lately. For anyone(which should be about everyone) that has a time in their life where they feel like their head might explode from so many things happening all at once, well that's basically me now. Somehow through this whole process I have been continually reminded of how sweet life truly is. My life is drastically changed. I once would let these so called "major" aspects of my life define who I am. My worth. Myself. Not anymore. Sure I still struggle with feelings of security, and trusting Christ constantly, but He hasn't forgotten me. He surely hasn't forgotten any of us. Like I have said before, God is not done with us until Christ returns. Hes constantly working in our hearts. It may not be a pretty process, but its a process worth while. As I was running on A&M campus today(which I try to everyday--never works) I was thinking of my life in a nut shell. I use running as a way to think about things in my life. I access situations when I run, I deal with conflict, and even disappointments. By the time I turned this corner to enter into campus tears started to swell up in my eyes. This sense of, "wow I am a mess up," came into my mind. All I have ever done is mess everything up I feel a lot of times. It hurts. Immediately I began to pray. My prayer went along these lines:
"Dear God, I cannot possibly understand all that is going on in my life right now. I keep messing up things in my life that are important to me. I live in this fear of tomorrow. I know when things do not work out in the end it is because you don't want them to, but does it have to hurt this much. God please forgive me. Help me forgive myself. Keep my focus on you. Lift these burdens."
In that moment I looked up at this beautiful sunset that lie ahead of me, and the song "Oh Praise Him" in my head. In moments when we feel doubt in anything God brings so much clarity. Whether you want to believe it or not there is such thing as the devil, and he is looking to devour anyone (1 Peter 5:8). The devil knows our weaknesses. He knows what gets to us, and he knows when to attack. Some days I would love the devil to just attack me. Sounds weird but hear me out. Some days I would love him to attack me cause I know I would win the battle. Its one of those days you feel like you are on a Jesus High, and you feel so close to the Lord that nothing can bring you down. Wouldn't it be great if that's the only time the devil will attack? Well sorry to say this but that almost NEVER happens. I do think that the more in Christ you become the easier it will be to deflect the devils tricks, but for those still trying to grow in their faith that might be a foreign concept. My advice to you, and to even myself a lot is take time with the Lord. Get to know his character, and get to know who HE truly is. Honestly whether that's writing a blog while reading scripture, or if its just having quiet time with Him just do something. Life is never easy but if you have the right tools. It'll be worth it. God is sovereign over all things. Live in that.
On another note I would like to bring up anger. I feel as if anger is such a thief to so many people in this society. I am no where near perfect in this part of my life, which is why I felt so convicted at church when it was brought up. Anger can come in all forms. A lot of times people are angry because they are jealous, feeling a sense of rejection from someone, worried, hurt in someway, or embarrassed. In my own life I have felt a lot of anger inside of me swell up towards others, specially those I am closest to. After a deep examination of myself I have realized it is because I feel this deep rooted rejection from people I truly love. I somehow never felt worthy of their love, or secure in their love they offered me. A lot of times something would be said, or they would do something and immediately I felt mad. If you truly know me as a person I truly am not an angry person. Honestly, out of all my friends I am the most relaxed person out of the bunch. I am not one of those girls that gets super crazy a lot, and usually I am quiet (except I talk loud :) ). It isn't truly until you get to know me that I come out of my shell, but even then I am still not on the crazy spectrum. I'm the type of person who loves to talk. The perfect time for me with loved ones is just sitting in a coffee shop and talking for hours. That's just who I am. So after that being said I really am not angry unless I noticed when I feel rejection. This revelation has left me amazed. When you get to the root of what makes the sin in your life or your troubles in your life then things begin to change. Instead of trying to find my wholeness in others I seek Christ for that, and the anger I feel slowly is being chipped away. When looking up sermons about anger I came across one, and the pastor really shed light on what truly anger does to us. This is what he said,"Guess what? In this world you are going to be hurt. Life isn’t fair. You are going to suffer pain. You are going to get bumped, bruised, scratched, scraped and dinged up in this world. How you handle it will either make you bitter or better. The difference between the two is “I”. What he says is completely true even so with anger. We can feel lots of emotions throughout our day but in the end how we handle it will either makes us a better person or turn us into something we don't need to be. Job 5:2 says that wrath will kill a foolish man. Isn't that true? In our anger don't we usually do things that are illogical. Have you ever done something in your anger that later on you regret? That is anger for you. It blinds you from the truth, and it blinds you from Christ. Of course there is such thing as righteous anger. Christ was angry when all these people were using the temple as a place to make profit. Whatever it may be in your life, whether its anger, or some type of insecurity rest in Christ. I could not stress enough how important it is to know the one who came to die for YOU. Even if no one has sat down to read this blog, or hundreds do I want you to know God's provision for each one of our lives is so precious. Like the bible says," to live as Christ is to die as gain ( Philippians 1:21)." What is something that's truly pulling you away from whats most important? How can you make that change NOW.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
How infinite and sweet
This love so rescuing
O, how infinitely sweet
This great love that has redeemed
As one we sing
Alleluia
Alleluia
He is Holy
He is Holy (yeah) -- Oh Praise Him- David Crowder Band
"Dear God, I cannot possibly understand all that is going on in my life right now. I keep messing up things in my life that are important to me. I live in this fear of tomorrow. I know when things do not work out in the end it is because you don't want them to, but does it have to hurt this much. God please forgive me. Help me forgive myself. Keep my focus on you. Lift these burdens."
In that moment I looked up at this beautiful sunset that lie ahead of me, and the song "Oh Praise Him" in my head. In moments when we feel doubt in anything God brings so much clarity. Whether you want to believe it or not there is such thing as the devil, and he is looking to devour anyone (1 Peter 5:8). The devil knows our weaknesses. He knows what gets to us, and he knows when to attack. Some days I would love the devil to just attack me. Sounds weird but hear me out. Some days I would love him to attack me cause I know I would win the battle. Its one of those days you feel like you are on a Jesus High, and you feel so close to the Lord that nothing can bring you down. Wouldn't it be great if that's the only time the devil will attack? Well sorry to say this but that almost NEVER happens. I do think that the more in Christ you become the easier it will be to deflect the devils tricks, but for those still trying to grow in their faith that might be a foreign concept. My advice to you, and to even myself a lot is take time with the Lord. Get to know his character, and get to know who HE truly is. Honestly whether that's writing a blog while reading scripture, or if its just having quiet time with Him just do something. Life is never easy but if you have the right tools. It'll be worth it. God is sovereign over all things. Live in that.
On another note I would like to bring up anger. I feel as if anger is such a thief to so many people in this society. I am no where near perfect in this part of my life, which is why I felt so convicted at church when it was brought up. Anger can come in all forms. A lot of times people are angry because they are jealous, feeling a sense of rejection from someone, worried, hurt in someway, or embarrassed. In my own life I have felt a lot of anger inside of me swell up towards others, specially those I am closest to. After a deep examination of myself I have realized it is because I feel this deep rooted rejection from people I truly love. I somehow never felt worthy of their love, or secure in their love they offered me. A lot of times something would be said, or they would do something and immediately I felt mad. If you truly know me as a person I truly am not an angry person. Honestly, out of all my friends I am the most relaxed person out of the bunch. I am not one of those girls that gets super crazy a lot, and usually I am quiet (except I talk loud :) ). It isn't truly until you get to know me that I come out of my shell, but even then I am still not on the crazy spectrum. I'm the type of person who loves to talk. The perfect time for me with loved ones is just sitting in a coffee shop and talking for hours. That's just who I am. So after that being said I really am not angry unless I noticed when I feel rejection. This revelation has left me amazed. When you get to the root of what makes the sin in your life or your troubles in your life then things begin to change. Instead of trying to find my wholeness in others I seek Christ for that, and the anger I feel slowly is being chipped away. When looking up sermons about anger I came across one, and the pastor really shed light on what truly anger does to us. This is what he said,"Guess what? In this world you are going to be hurt. Life isn’t fair. You are going to suffer pain. You are going to get bumped, bruised, scratched, scraped and dinged up in this world. How you handle it will either make you bitter or better. The difference between the two is “I”. What he says is completely true even so with anger. We can feel lots of emotions throughout our day but in the end how we handle it will either makes us a better person or turn us into something we don't need to be. Job 5:2 says that wrath will kill a foolish man. Isn't that true? In our anger don't we usually do things that are illogical. Have you ever done something in your anger that later on you regret? That is anger for you. It blinds you from the truth, and it blinds you from Christ. Of course there is such thing as righteous anger. Christ was angry when all these people were using the temple as a place to make profit. Whatever it may be in your life, whether its anger, or some type of insecurity rest in Christ. I could not stress enough how important it is to know the one who came to die for YOU. Even if no one has sat down to read this blog, or hundreds do I want you to know God's provision for each one of our lives is so precious. Like the bible says," to live as Christ is to die as gain ( Philippians 1:21)." What is something that's truly pulling you away from whats most important? How can you make that change NOW.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
How infinite and sweet
This love so rescuing
O, how infinitely sweet
This great love that has redeemed
As one we sing
Alleluia
Alleluia
He is Holy
He is Holy (yeah) -- Oh Praise Him- David Crowder Band
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Pour Down Like Rain ( Day 2)
The amazing thing about life with Christ is He always seems to throw curve balls when we least expect. Many people that know me personally know how much I love baseball. Today I went with two of my hopefully future roommates to watch the Aggie baseball players scrimmage today. Gig Em. As I was there watching the pitchers throw the ball It reminded me of Christ. Sometimes a player will throw a change up, a curve ball, or just throw a flat out bad pitch. Isn't that kind of like when we are in Christ. Many people come into Christianity thinking your life will be made. You know Christ now. YAYAY. Now God will give you all your hearts desires, you will be showered with blessing everyday, and life will be pretty easy now. WRONG. Yes, of course God showers you with blessings, yes if you have your heart in Christ he will give you the desires of your heart but that's not all. God puts each of us in situations to build us up. Sometimes he might have to throw those curve balls at us to waken us up. You can go up to the plate of life with all the pride in the world that you will get that home run but sometimes God will change up your life in such a way you will not be able to know which pitch. I have no idea if I am making much sense specially if you don't get baseball but let me break this down.
Have you ever wanted something so bad and then somehow everything gets all messed up? Have you ever fought so hard, and felt every great effort you mustered up went to waste? If you have then you must know disappointment. That's life. I have gone through this day being blessed with many things, but I still felt "blah." That's how humans are. We can have it all in life but somehow want more. I pray over each one of yalls heart. That you would have peace in the fact life wont go the way you planned. That life will get all messed up, and sometimes make NO SENSE. All the while God has orchestrated a better plan. Why should each one of us settle for the things that hurt us, and not hold on to Christ that showers us with love. I have known so many people who have trusted in Christ who never regretted it, but then go back to do the same old sin. To be honest I have done that very thing. Why would anyone do that if we know God's deliverance is truly breath taking. Its probably cause we "feel" it is right. Its probably because we doubt Christ will deliver us again. In times I feel like stepping back into the past, or do something that will only hurt me in the end I remember God. I remember that He has gotten me through so many things before, and so He wont stop now. Philippians 1:6 says, " And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." How beautiful is that vision. That the perfect king above will not stop doing what he is doing in us until His Son returns. When you feel pain, when you feel restless, and tears will not stop running know this: YOU ARE LOVED. GOD IS WORKING IN YOU. Do not be afraid: do not be discouraged (Joshua 1:9). This also reminds me of the age old saying that anyone who is reading this has probably heard : "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it."All I have to say is Wow. Each thing God does in our life is for our good. It is to sanctify us, or to wipe away all things we try to build up so high that becomes higher than Him.
The last thing I would like to say is how unbelievably imperfect I truly am. I am not doing this to show how Godly I am. I still have a lot to learn about life, and Christ. Not that any of us are ever going to understand Christ fully, but I am still taking steps at understanding lots of things. I still struggle with my appearance, and feeling whole in Christ. But take Paul in the bible. For those that do not know Paul he was in charge of killing people in the bible before he was struck by Christ on the way to a town called Damascus. He had all the knowledge in the world about a lot of things, but still he was lost until He was found. You can know all these facts about Christ but never truly know Him. Thats why I am doing this. I want to try and be an encouragement. I want to encourage those to pursue Christ. This blog may never be seen by anyone, or only one. If that person even thinks of Christ thats all I want. I may not have it all together but I know I have Christ. Thats all that is needed. Now I am taking the steps to trust in Him more daily. My path of life has been rough, but through that I have been enriched by Christ. My title for this blog is called, "Pour Down Like Rain." I named it this because each day of my life lately has experienced some type of down pour. Whether it be sin in my heart, or not truly trusting Christ with EVERYTHING. I want Christ to pour down in my life like rain. He is always by our side. He is always pushing us more and more towards righteousness. To our calling. All you have to do is listen. Hes ready to speak into your life through your struggles. Will you answer?
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty- Word of God Speak-Mercy Me
Hebrews 11:3
"Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear."
Have you ever wanted something so bad and then somehow everything gets all messed up? Have you ever fought so hard, and felt every great effort you mustered up went to waste? If you have then you must know disappointment. That's life. I have gone through this day being blessed with many things, but I still felt "blah." That's how humans are. We can have it all in life but somehow want more. I pray over each one of yalls heart. That you would have peace in the fact life wont go the way you planned. That life will get all messed up, and sometimes make NO SENSE. All the while God has orchestrated a better plan. Why should each one of us settle for the things that hurt us, and not hold on to Christ that showers us with love. I have known so many people who have trusted in Christ who never regretted it, but then go back to do the same old sin. To be honest I have done that very thing. Why would anyone do that if we know God's deliverance is truly breath taking. Its probably cause we "feel" it is right. Its probably because we doubt Christ will deliver us again. In times I feel like stepping back into the past, or do something that will only hurt me in the end I remember God. I remember that He has gotten me through so many things before, and so He wont stop now. Philippians 1:6 says, " And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." How beautiful is that vision. That the perfect king above will not stop doing what he is doing in us until His Son returns. When you feel pain, when you feel restless, and tears will not stop running know this: YOU ARE LOVED. GOD IS WORKING IN YOU. Do not be afraid: do not be discouraged (Joshua 1:9). This also reminds me of the age old saying that anyone who is reading this has probably heard : "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it."All I have to say is Wow. Each thing God does in our life is for our good. It is to sanctify us, or to wipe away all things we try to build up so high that becomes higher than Him.
The last thing I would like to say is how unbelievably imperfect I truly am. I am not doing this to show how Godly I am. I still have a lot to learn about life, and Christ. Not that any of us are ever going to understand Christ fully, but I am still taking steps at understanding lots of things. I still struggle with my appearance, and feeling whole in Christ. But take Paul in the bible. For those that do not know Paul he was in charge of killing people in the bible before he was struck by Christ on the way to a town called Damascus. He had all the knowledge in the world about a lot of things, but still he was lost until He was found. You can know all these facts about Christ but never truly know Him. Thats why I am doing this. I want to try and be an encouragement. I want to encourage those to pursue Christ. This blog may never be seen by anyone, or only one. If that person even thinks of Christ thats all I want. I may not have it all together but I know I have Christ. Thats all that is needed. Now I am taking the steps to trust in Him more daily. My path of life has been rough, but through that I have been enriched by Christ. My title for this blog is called, "Pour Down Like Rain." I named it this because each day of my life lately has experienced some type of down pour. Whether it be sin in my heart, or not truly trusting Christ with EVERYTHING. I want Christ to pour down in my life like rain. He is always by our side. He is always pushing us more and more towards righteousness. To our calling. All you have to do is listen. Hes ready to speak into your life through your struggles. Will you answer?
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty- Word of God Speak-Mercy Me
Hebrews 11:3
"Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear."
I Will Shake Off These Heavy Chains: Day 1
I decided quite recently to begin to write a blog about my life through this semester at school. I honestly do not expect a lot of viewers. If you do so happen to view this blog my deepest hope is that you will take away something from this. I have decided to be brutally honest, and direct about each part of my day, and the ways in which the Lord teaches me. I am writing this because I want people to see the story God so delicately has written for me. Although, I do not know half of the story yet, but I learn each and everyday. Whether you come on here everyday to see what I post, or only once I want to say God bless you. You are treasured.
I want to start out by saying I am no where near perfection. I hate to admit this but I struggle mostly with what boys think of me. Even if I know deep down God has a man out there for me it hurts me when a boy doesn't find me attractive, or the least bit interesting. My deepest struggle is not feeling "good enough." Each day this last month I have struggled with truly relying on Christ as my sole provider. I know he loves me, and guides me in all things. This does not mean I wont struggle with this. In a way I have always thought I should have it all together. Then every time I would mess up.. which is a lot. I beat myself up. Every time. This honestly is probably why I have never been in a healthy relationship. Every relationship I have been in I have pushed them all away. If I don't push them away they were coming in to try and use me for that "one thing." Its hard being vulnerable to a great man when you never feel you will be worthy enough for them.
Just recently this guy, and I broke up. For his sake(obviously) I will not say his name. If you are reading this then no hard feelings. Anyways, I put my dependence on this guy. I also pushed him around, and made him feel bad a lot. You know why?? I felt like I deserve nothing but bad from him, and felt like he would leave me. I never wanted to let him in truly. Then the more vulnerable I got the more unsettled I became. What if he sees I am not good enough? What if he sees someone else better? What if he finally sees behind the mask I try to hide behind? What if things go so well, and he still doesn't see my best as enough? For those of you reading this. Being with him was from the outside looking in pretty bad. We fought constantly. I mean I began to find things to fight about because towards the end he was drifting away. Instead of having the guts to work it out. I let him go. I stopped trying in a way. I don't think he ever knew. But I knew he was about ready to leave. In a way I let him. I couldn't be the woman for him. I was hiding under so many insecurities, and fear. You cannot possibly live in fear and cherish someone. A part of me wished he would not let me go. A part of me wishes he would walk with me in this. But that is the thing about God. Sometimes He needs to strip away all that we hold so close so he can finally do his magic. Maybe by now you are all judging me. Maybe by now you are all thinking.. " WOW, HE SHOULD HAVE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO." You are probably right. I was selfish to let him stay with me. I was selfish to allow him try so hard, and not meet him halfway when he needed it in the beginning. So when I needed him to meet me halfway maybe he would have. I put all my trust in this guy though. At the time I did give him my best self. I did put all into the relationship as much as I could. It may not have been the best thing ever but that's all I was. My best self wasn't great, but it was me. Honestly, last month when we broke up officially I was so broken. I had no idea what to do with myself, and what I was supposed to do. That's over one guy. JUST ONE.Sense I am being honest in all this. I will show you something I wrote to him not to long ago. At one point I was going to give it to him but I never will:
" I hate the feeling when you are away and I love being in your arms. I don't know the next step but I don't want to go there unless you will be next to me. Because I truly love you. Even through everything I want to share it with you all. I know I will never be able to let you go because I lie awake hurting because you are so far away. I am scared God doesn't have us together in the end. I don't think I could ever give you what you give me. These past two weeks have exhausted me, torn the life out of me, and beat me inside out, and somehow made me OK again. It doesn't matter whether I will be able to look down the aisle and you will be there. My only wish is to at least give this everything I have. I think about all the times I tried to break up with you because I thought it would be easier. The thing is, being with you may take the life out of me. So be it. I will fight until God finally makes something happen that could drive us more apart than together."
You might be thinking to yourself how crazy I sound. Trust me. When you wonder why your friend is still with a guy everyone knows she shouldn't be with then maybe you somewhat understand. Looking at my life, and how God allowed us to be driven more apart, and how he has been by both our sides in this is amazing. I would be lying if I said I am completely fine now. Its a healing process. I was willing to go through ANYTHING to make it work. You cannot possible give someone great love unless you truly love Christ first. I allowed myself to revolve my world around a guy who is no longer here. Needless to say the pain was incredible. The amazing part of all this I am experiencing joy. Every other break up I couldn't seem to get my self back up. But this one I did. I have taken new steps to freedom. I have poured into others about Christ, and I have been poured into continuously. Even though it still hurts. I am experiencing so much of Christ love for me than I have ever before.
I have officially decided to stop living for my flesh. It is so easy to let the devil tell you useless words when you are beaten down. It is so easy to not allow Christ be at the center when your world is falling apart. As for me and this journey. It is just beginning. Whether Christ allows my ex to have a change of heart and he comes back for a happy ending. Whether Christ brings another "prince charming" who will show me love as well. OR if God at some point calls me to a life of singleness I am deciding to live in the freedom of the promises Christ has made. He is my rock. I am showing you my heart and being vulnerable because without any of that you wouldn't know where I have been. What all God is doing, and God's steadfast love in my life. Romans 8:26 is a verse that resonates in my heart when I cannot seem to come to terms with anything. It says," In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." In the moments I have nothing to say because maybe I am feeling less than beautiful, or when I am feeling set apart I still know the Spirit is working. God never sleeps. He never rest. He made us. He built us. We are renewed. He is all we need. Whether I find that guy to walk with me towards the sunset or all I ever have is Christ and nothing else. I will choose Christ.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home- Big Daddy Weave- Redeemed
I want to start out by saying I am no where near perfection. I hate to admit this but I struggle mostly with what boys think of me. Even if I know deep down God has a man out there for me it hurts me when a boy doesn't find me attractive, or the least bit interesting. My deepest struggle is not feeling "good enough." Each day this last month I have struggled with truly relying on Christ as my sole provider. I know he loves me, and guides me in all things. This does not mean I wont struggle with this. In a way I have always thought I should have it all together. Then every time I would mess up.. which is a lot. I beat myself up. Every time. This honestly is probably why I have never been in a healthy relationship. Every relationship I have been in I have pushed them all away. If I don't push them away they were coming in to try and use me for that "one thing." Its hard being vulnerable to a great man when you never feel you will be worthy enough for them.
Just recently this guy, and I broke up. For his sake(obviously) I will not say his name. If you are reading this then no hard feelings. Anyways, I put my dependence on this guy. I also pushed him around, and made him feel bad a lot. You know why?? I felt like I deserve nothing but bad from him, and felt like he would leave me. I never wanted to let him in truly. Then the more vulnerable I got the more unsettled I became. What if he sees I am not good enough? What if he sees someone else better? What if he finally sees behind the mask I try to hide behind? What if things go so well, and he still doesn't see my best as enough? For those of you reading this. Being with him was from the outside looking in pretty bad. We fought constantly. I mean I began to find things to fight about because towards the end he was drifting away. Instead of having the guts to work it out. I let him go. I stopped trying in a way. I don't think he ever knew. But I knew he was about ready to leave. In a way I let him. I couldn't be the woman for him. I was hiding under so many insecurities, and fear. You cannot possibly live in fear and cherish someone. A part of me wished he would not let me go. A part of me wishes he would walk with me in this. But that is the thing about God. Sometimes He needs to strip away all that we hold so close so he can finally do his magic. Maybe by now you are all judging me. Maybe by now you are all thinking.. " WOW, HE SHOULD HAVE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO." You are probably right. I was selfish to let him stay with me. I was selfish to allow him try so hard, and not meet him halfway when he needed it in the beginning. So when I needed him to meet me halfway maybe he would have. I put all my trust in this guy though. At the time I did give him my best self. I did put all into the relationship as much as I could. It may not have been the best thing ever but that's all I was. My best self wasn't great, but it was me. Honestly, last month when we broke up officially I was so broken. I had no idea what to do with myself, and what I was supposed to do. That's over one guy. JUST ONE.Sense I am being honest in all this. I will show you something I wrote to him not to long ago. At one point I was going to give it to him but I never will:
" I hate the feeling when you are away and I love being in your arms. I don't know the next step but I don't want to go there unless you will be next to me. Because I truly love you. Even through everything I want to share it with you all. I know I will never be able to let you go because I lie awake hurting because you are so far away. I am scared God doesn't have us together in the end. I don't think I could ever give you what you give me. These past two weeks have exhausted me, torn the life out of me, and beat me inside out, and somehow made me OK again. It doesn't matter whether I will be able to look down the aisle and you will be there. My only wish is to at least give this everything I have. I think about all the times I tried to break up with you because I thought it would be easier. The thing is, being with you may take the life out of me. So be it. I will fight until God finally makes something happen that could drive us more apart than together."
You might be thinking to yourself how crazy I sound. Trust me. When you wonder why your friend is still with a guy everyone knows she shouldn't be with then maybe you somewhat understand. Looking at my life, and how God allowed us to be driven more apart, and how he has been by both our sides in this is amazing. I would be lying if I said I am completely fine now. Its a healing process. I was willing to go through ANYTHING to make it work. You cannot possible give someone great love unless you truly love Christ first. I allowed myself to revolve my world around a guy who is no longer here. Needless to say the pain was incredible. The amazing part of all this I am experiencing joy. Every other break up I couldn't seem to get my self back up. But this one I did. I have taken new steps to freedom. I have poured into others about Christ, and I have been poured into continuously. Even though it still hurts. I am experiencing so much of Christ love for me than I have ever before.
I have officially decided to stop living for my flesh. It is so easy to let the devil tell you useless words when you are beaten down. It is so easy to not allow Christ be at the center when your world is falling apart. As for me and this journey. It is just beginning. Whether Christ allows my ex to have a change of heart and he comes back for a happy ending. Whether Christ brings another "prince charming" who will show me love as well. OR if God at some point calls me to a life of singleness I am deciding to live in the freedom of the promises Christ has made. He is my rock. I am showing you my heart and being vulnerable because without any of that you wouldn't know where I have been. What all God is doing, and God's steadfast love in my life. Romans 8:26 is a verse that resonates in my heart when I cannot seem to come to terms with anything. It says," In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." In the moments I have nothing to say because maybe I am feeling less than beautiful, or when I am feeling set apart I still know the Spirit is working. God never sleeps. He never rest. He made us. He built us. We are renewed. He is all we need. Whether I find that guy to walk with me towards the sunset or all I ever have is Christ and nothing else. I will choose Christ.
Be Blessed,
AnnaCaroline
Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home- Big Daddy Weave- Redeemed
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